His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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