The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
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Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.