I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.