so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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