new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
