I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
