i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
