I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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