I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
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Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.