So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
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Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
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shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.