I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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