It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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