just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
