My boss' voice literally gives me gas
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I just shit out all my problems.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
