wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
