she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
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You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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