I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
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I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
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The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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