I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
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I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize