Im at strip club and am horny
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.