R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
