I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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