Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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