i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
