Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
