saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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