I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
