Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
