umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
