Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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