I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
