I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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