Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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