After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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