I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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