does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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