I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
