Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
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1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
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Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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