The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
