nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
