Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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