I smell stomach acid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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