So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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