and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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