i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no