im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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