God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
