I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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