i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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