I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I deserve this hangover.
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