I wish my penis had an off switch
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
