Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
