go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased